I’m sure most of us have been in this situation: You wish that your girlfriend or significant other would join you in your love of gaming, and not scoff at the notion of you spending untold hours blasting away NPC enemies or online jerk-offs… and sometimes your friends.

Some of us are lucky, and have a girl who not only knows how to use a controller, but actually enjoys gaming. Some of us are even more fortunate to have a girl who will regularly beat the living shit out of you in whatever game you two decide to play. Well, perhaps you aren’t so fortunate in that latter case. Ha!

However, for the rest of us (and by “us”, I mean “you”, as Molly enjoys the odd game, and will sometimes cheer me on), Clara Barraza at IGN Australia was kind enough to provide us (again, “you”) with some handy tips to help get your girl more involved:

10. Keep the Bouncing to a Minimum

Yeah, we get it – you like boobs. And it’s no big secret game designers like them too. But before you pull out the ol’ Dead or Alive, consider this: just how comfortable would you be sleeping on that couch? Not very? I thought not. Console games have predominately been dubbed as being ‘designed by guys, for guys’ and it doesn’t take a scientist to realise what you fellas’ like to see, but subjecting your girlfriend to an hour of ridiculously proportioned Double D’s taking up half the screen while you sit there giggling is one sure fire way to guarantee she won’t be coming near you or your joystick any time soon.

9. Make Beautiful Music Together

Guitar Hero and its oestrogen-fuelled counterpart, SingStar are is are a sure fire winner if your girlfriend looks completely and hopelessly disinterested in any other games you show her, and then at least you can argue that the Playstation 3 was a social investment, even if 99.9% of the time, your butt’s in front of it. Your girlfriend will be more than happy to challenge to you to a karaoke duel rather than sit down to a Call of Duty deathmatch (unless she’s into that – in which case grab hold of her and never, ever let go).

8. Give Her Something to Grab Onto

Games are definitely more fun when you use more than just your thumbs to play them. Once again, Nintendo has secured its position as the leader of gaming peripherals on the at home console, with their games incorporating the Wii-mote motion sensor technology. Play something a little more interactive with your girlfriend, such as Wii Sports, or a shooter with weapon peripherals like Time Crisis. Plus we all know nothing’s hotter than girls with guns.

7. Co-operation is Key

Now trust me on this one, it’s unadulterated gold. Are you ready for it? Here it comes: the reason girls will get annoyed that you’re playing games isn’t because you’re not doing housework or you appear to them to be ‘wasting your time’. It’s because you’re giving something else your complete and utter attention – and it’s not her. Even worse, you’re having fun! You’re having fun without her and she’s in the same room as you. Big no-no. Really, the only thing it comes down to is that she wants to spend time with you and she wants to have fun too. Easy as pie. So involve her. Sit down to a game with co-op, such as Lego Star Wars, and work through it together. She might not be great at it, but she’ll be happy – and isn’t that what’s most important? Oh, and she won’t be nagging you either, that’s important too.

6. Kick It Old School

I’ll wager your girlfriend has had at least some sort of contact with games when she was younger, particularly if she has a brother. Playing Golden Eye or Mario Kart on the 64, playing Tetris on a friend’s Game Boy, or giving Street Fighter a go at the local corner shop – at some point in their lives, most girls have picked up a controller and played a game. This usually means these games would bring about the nostalgia of being a kid and having that kind of innocent fun again. Invest in their old childhood console and as a bonus, seal a little bit of retro action for yourself.

5. Keep It Commitment-free

Casual jobs equal less responsibility, casual relationships equal less maintenance and casual gaming equals more fun for the ladies; it’s just the truth. Nintendo took a calculated step investing in the needs of the casual gamer, and the embarrassing amount of money they’ve made only proves they’ve tapped a market that has needed a bit of attention for a while now. Games like Wii Resort that can be picked up and played for an hour without any thought or upkeep are perfect for girl’s who find that sitting on the couch controller in hand for hours on end is not their thing.

4. Provide Some Eye-Candy

Here’s another shocker that you may already know: contrary to what us girls love to argue, we’re all a little bit superficial and your girlfriends weren’t instantly attracted to your razor-sharp wit (or lack there of). Proudly pat yourselves on the back, boys, because at some point she thought you were ‘a bit of alright’, and you can apply that to almost anything she’ll invest time and money into. Whether its bags, shoes or Prada jackets, girls will love the way something looks before even considering its functionality or cost. So tempt our eyes with some visual delights. The fun colours and cute critters in Katamari Damacy or LocoRoco will charm her into some playtime. Remember; a spoon full of sugar…

3. Check Reality at the Door

Car racing is the cornerstone of multiplayer gaming, but if your girlfriend’s anything like me, she doesn’t really want to come home from eight hours slaving away in the real word to sit on the couch and play something so life-like that it sucks the fun out of it. No one should take themselves so seriously, so if you’re thinking of breaking out some track-action for your lady friend, try and keep it light and fun. I can appreciate the sleek gameplay of Forza or Gran Turismo as much as the next person, but if fun is in the cards, opt for some Burnout or Outrun 2 where the premise is just crazy enough to make her laugh and forget all about the world outside her door.

2. Don’t Hover, Just Let It Happen

Girls have already been given a hard time about playing games; that we’re either not good at them or not interested – this is truly a load of boloney. However, because of this dark cloud over us, most girls will try to avoid gaming with their boyfriends out of fear that they’ll only perpetuate the stereotype or fail to impress. Give her some alone time with a particular game she wants to try and don’t be a backseat gamer.

1. Give Her a Little Credit

Finally; be careful not to sell her short. Nothing annoys girls more than assuming they’re awful at something just because they’re female. Despite what you might think your girlfriend will or won’t play, great storytelling transcends any form of entertainment – and games are no exception. Give her a great story and it will reel her in for you. Try any of the Silent Hill series, Metal Gear Solid, ICO or Shadow of the Colossus; they all won me over. You might be surprised at what tickles her fancy.

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Molly does have her games that she will regularly destroy me in, namely bowling for Wii Sports. She’s also a force to be reckoned with in Little Big Planet, and it’s quite amusing to watch her play N+.

I think my happiest gaming moment was when she was watching me play GTA IV online a few months ago and was encouraging me to keep on killing this annoying brat in the game I was playing. Thanks babe!  

As per usual, I was checking out toucharcade.com to see what new games were looking good, and came across an interesting one entitled “Poppi”. Here is their take on it:

http://toucharcade.com/2009/07/16/poppi-a-melodic-matching-game/

All too often, I am seeing new games come out for the iPhone that solely use the accelerometer, which is cool and all, but there is only so much you can do with that before it gets repetitive or silly, and besides, playing an accelerometer game on the bus SUCKS. Other games lately have been coming out with a control pad on the screen that obscures the playing area, and I also find it hard to hold the iPhone and also use the controls as well. I’m not a big fan of racing games, or sports games, or one of the BILLIONS of number brain games available, so I was glad to see this little gem.

Basically, it’s a physics game (my favourite genre), and the point is to match up the falling pieces together to clear them out. You get three lives, and should one of the falling pieces hit the bottom of the screen, or you hit one of the various obstacles (such as a bomb or a spiky thing) you lose a life. It’s a very simple game, and personally I found it quite fun.

Here’s a link to the YouTube video in the review if you want to check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd6PSeVITTw

On June 19th, my Xbox Live account expired, and the automatic renewal didn’t go through. Turns out, I had an OLD credit card still on file with them and they attempted to charge it, which obviously failed. I’d been playing “inFamous” for the PS3 a lot as of late, so this didn’t really concern me until I realised it’d been a while since I’d picked on a few annoying kids in “GTA IV”, and needed to get some stress relief. Last night I sorted out the credit card issue, and the new one was billed, but I still couldn’t get connected to Xbox Live.

Fast forward to this morning, I decided to do something about it, and called their support line. They gave me some ports to open on the router, which didn’t make sense to me as I tried to connect with DMZ enabled, but lo and behold, the opened ports fixed the issue, and I was able to connect again. So, naturally, I decided to load up GTA IV, and find some people to play against, hoping that I’d come across a whiny foul-mouthed brat to select as my target.

Didn’t take long at all.

In GTA IV, my favourite gaming mode is “free mode”, as you can do whatever the hell you want. No missions, no story, just you, vehicles, weapons, and a bunch of other like-minded individuals running around and fucking things up. Great fun. However, there are times when you have some jackasses that like to screw around with other people, yet if you pick on them they complain. The main issue I have with the Xbox Live service is that there is NO WAY to turn off the voice chat by default. Personally, I’d rather not hear them at all, and it’s too much of a pain in the ass to mute everyone. So, I tend to seek out the loudest and foul-mouthed brat in the game session, and only blow the shit out of him.

Today, my target was a little snot called “DOA by HiKoO”. His voice sounded familiar (and by “familiar” I mean shrill and one possibly belonging to a fat kid), and the language coming from this dude was amazing. Within two minutes of joining, he was calling someone a “n*gger”, which is usually an indication of two things to me:

1. He is located in the United States, as that seems to be the most popular curse word to call someone. Never mind calling someone an “asshole” or “fucktard”… he went straight for the race card.
2. He will whine if I target only him, as his only skill is cursing.

So, I proceeded to do just that. I went to the airport, got a chopper, and as soon as I saw him running around, I landed on him, naturally killing him. My assumptions were right, as he went on a HUGE rant of how I was a n*gger, and that everyone should kick me out of the game. This didn’t stop me, as I kept up the abuse, blowing him up (when you’re in the chopper, you get an unlimited supply of rocket ammo), and even another dude called “xCCWx BATISTA” joined in on the fun. Within five minutes of me picking on “DOA by HiKoO”, he left the game. I played a little bit longer in that game session, but then decided to go follow my new “friend”. 

During the signing in process of a game, the voice chat usually starts up about 10 seconds before the game, and he was already saying “Fuck you, Dysantic, you n*gger! Go away!”. Awwww… the love. Making me want to “play” even more. Molly came into the room at that point wondering what the noise was about, so I filled her in, and she sat down to watch for a bit. During that little match, I ran him over, and then also got a chopper to start blowing him up again, but some of his other pals decided to band together, and instead of battling me, they kicked me from the game. I couldn’t stop laughing.

So, “DOA by HiKoO”, you are my new “friend” on Xbox Live. I can’t wait to battle against you again… even if it is a one-sided battle. Your cursing is an indication of your ignorance, and if nothing else, that is the message I hope to hammer home to you. Besides, I’m bored, and I need a hobby. You should feel honoured!  

So, here I was, checking out toucharcade.com as I sometimes do when I want to see what new games are available for the iPhone, and I came across this little gem called “Saucelifter“:

http://toucharcade.com/2009/04/16/saucelifter-hovers-into-the-app-store/

Basically, it is a variation of the classic game “Choplifter“, which back in the day was one of my favourite games. The vector graphics in Saucelifter are simplistic, yet very detailed, which is why I love games that use vector graphic engines (“Out Of This World” and “Flashback” are other games that come to mind). The controls take a bit of getting used to, and it certainly isn’t a game to be played while on the bus or any other moving vehicle due to the use of the accelerometer to control your spaceship, but overall it is quickly becoming one of my favourite games on the iPhone.

Here’s a link to the YouTube video of the gameplay if you want to check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se9gSyqBYCs

So tonight, I decided to have some fun and play some GTA IV. I know, I know… I never do that. But, I had an urge, and so I loaded up the game and hopped online.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the whole point of GTA IV multiplayer, especially in free mode, to go around and blast the shit out of people? You have the option of loading up your own online game with private slots if you want to explore the city and find different ways to reach the roof tops, but don’t get angry at me if I decide to lend you a helping hand by firing a rocket at your feet and propelling you into orbit.

Well, apparently there were some people who chose to get angry with me, and even went so far as to kick me from the online game. Three separate occasions, no less. I tell ya, there are some g-r-u-m-p-y people on Xbox Live. Thank goodness I wasn’t subjected to the shrill voices of the many prepubescent players that seem to thrive on Xbox Live… if only there was a way to disable the chat feature for kids of certain ages. My ears. Dammit.

Anyway, after being booted three times, I finally ended up in an online battle that seemed to be a lot of fun. I initially started racing around the airport with one of the players (the name escapes me now), and then it ended up being an endless battle with this dude with the handle “MTLSmokinBarrel”. I forget how it started, but I blew him up with a rocket, and no matter what, he would chase me down and try to take me out. It was frikkin’ hilarious. At one point, I lured him to behind the airport control tower, and waited for him to zip past me, and he crashed into the wall just behind, which gave me the split second needed to blast his car (and him) to pieces with a rocket. I even crashed a helicopter into the ocean and spent two minutes swimming to shore, only to stand up on a sandbank, and blast him as he drove towards my position, intent on finally getting revenge. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Eventually, almost everyone left the game except for MTLSmokinBarrel and this other dude who went by “DARK518″, but this guy spent most of his time taking advantage of glitches and hiding in buildings that he shouldn’t have been able to get into, and shooting us from within them. Basically, he would be able to shoot us, and we couldn’t shoot him. Fun for about -5 seconds. I killed him once before logging off when he came out for a short period, which was all I felt I needed to do.

Tonight was a good bout of GTA IV, and I hope to play some of the dudes I’ve met online again soon. It’s rare that I look forward to playing against the same people, but I guess it was bound to happen as soon as I started playing against people who enjoy the game as much as I do, and provide a bit more of an intelligent battle… which is more than I can say for the average player with a voice that sounds like Alvin from the Chipmunks.