evanroberts.com

Some of these are old, but they’re still good:

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once… or twice.
• Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
• What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
• Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• My weight is perfect for my height… which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help “groups”?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
• Is it just me or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

One of my favourite things in the world is when someone says something so utterly stupid, and realises it the moment it leaves their lips. Hell, I do that once in a while too, so I can appreciate the humour in it.

Anyway, here is a clip from Bill Maher’s “Religulous” where Senator of Arkansas Mark Pryor is put on the spot as to what his religious views are. I won’t spoil it for you, so check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWvdEE7NStw

Wow. That was awesome. Too bad Pryor is a Democrat though… I prefer laughing at Republicans.  

Thanks to Jared for sending this my way. Frikkin’ hilarious.

An oldie but a goodie:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Thanks for the forward, Mom!  

For those of you who have seen “The Dark Knight“, you may have noticed that Christian Bale’s version of Batman is sometimes hard to understand. Don’t get me wrong, he is the best Batman I’ve ever seen… outside of Adam West… so let’s just say that Christian Bale is the best Batman NOT wearing spandex. Yes. That’s it.

Anyway, back to the point of this post.

Jared sent me this amusing spoof from a scene in “The Dark Knight” when Batman is interrogating the Joker. If you haven’t seen the movie… well… something is wrong with you, and you should see it (preferably in IMAX)… and this spoof won’t make sense to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc

Thanks for the laugh, Jared.

I will admit, I’ve never heard this one before, and yes, I did laugh:

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren’t with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:  She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

Thanks for sending this to me, Mom! 

So here I was this morning, generating invoices, and I was slightly bummed that I’m already sending out ones for September. It won’t be long until the summer is over, which will suck, as I really like riding my bike, and lying in the grass in a field, etc.

But hey! I’m getting ahead of myself here! It’s still July, so enjoy it ya dunderhead!  

To cheer myself up, I recalled this hilarious Staples commercial I remembered seeing years ago where this Dad is ecstatic that his kids are going back to school. He’s loading up the shopping cart with school supplies while skipping down the aisle with the kids walking slowly behind, pouting. All the while, the song “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” is playing in the background.

It didn’t take long, but I found it on YouTube. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPIIMbG9R4w

If all commercials were amusing like this one, I wouldn’t mind watching them at all. Also, it would help with their advertising, as I’m pretty much plugging Staples right now.  

If there is one thing I can appreciate from my old days of phone tech support while working at Interlog, it’s the odd joke or video clip of a tech support agent completely baffled at the logic of some of those who call in for assistance. Everyone has their own way of thinking, and when it comes to computers, tech support agents generally have to adopt the mentality of the person phoning in to understand what the hell they’re talking about, and speak back to them in a language that THEY will understand. This may mean that the “desktop” is actually “the background”, or that “email” is “Outlook”… things like that.

Here we have a little video put together that details what sysAdmins and tech support agents are usually doing with their time, and the frustrations they go through. I thought it was awesome:

http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com/

The voices take a bit to get used to, as they’re sped up to “protect the identity of those involved” (which I find odd since they don’t fudge the websites they’re looking at, which are fake anyway), but if you can understand Alvin and the Chipmunks, you should have no troubles.  

Thanks to Mike F. for sending this my way!

Jared passed this chat quote from “bash.org” my way this afternoon. It made me laugh, so I had to share it:

Apparently, bash.org is a site that has a database full of user-submitted IRC quotes. I can’t get to it right now to check it out, but that one above was hilarious, so I’ll be sure to check it out again sometime in the future.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.